Yoga Journaling: Day 1
September 8, 2015
Scarlett Rustemeyer
Self inquiry...a pure awareness of myself…transformation…secondary stillness.
What have these key phrases invoked in me thus far?
Have I glimpsed moments of some, or all of them?
(Random interjective paragraph):
I’ve found it really interesting along my pre-intensive reading journey to contemplate the idea that enlightenment is only transient, that once one acknowledges one’s own enlightenment, then an act of judgement has been placed on the situation and all enlightenment has been lost. Therefore those “empowered” in their ignorance enough to think that they have reached the ultimate transcendental state of endless enlightenment are, for lack of better terms, delusional phonies (harsh, I know).
Now back to the main topic…
I certainly find it highly beneficial to question myself, but often I find myself questioning everything around me more often. Why does society promote toxic items and proclaim them fashionable and hip? Why are PVC yoga mats even a thing? They’re toxic! Polyester clothes? Toxic! Why do people start smoking cigarettes? Why did I never have that urge? Why do I have urges to do other destructive things and get flurried away in anger and thirty minutes later, feel as high as a kite, naturally? I’ve found that the moment I feel restrained or shut down, I get the urge to flee and yet always find it excruciatingly difficult to leave a situation. Instead I turn helplessly self-deprecating and clam up, finding it nearly impossible to speak, and yet wanting to solve everything or just wishing that I hadn’t started the conversation in the first place. Unfortunately I’ve sensed a chronic self-destructive habit of dumping a pile of nasty words and negative perceptions on myself once I’ve gotten worked up enough about anything, whether or not it had to do with me in the first place. This is definitely linked to the human fear of failure or invalidity.
You might be wondering, what does this have to do with yoga teacher training?
Well, one huge reason why I want to further my yogic education and eventually start teaching and sharing yoga, is because I often find myself way out at sea in a sinking, exploding ship. That ship is, of course, my emotions. I feel out of control much too often for my comfort and although I reach glorious manic states where I feel utterly confident and radiant, my lows spike down with a frighteningly equivalent intensity.
I’ve found that practicing yoga balances my restlessness as well as my anxiety and depressive tendencies, making me noticeably more aware of, and willing to partake in, the present moment. I’m prone to get lost in daydreams and wordless emotions that take me on a bumpy ride, and I’d like to be able to take the reins in more situations.
I’ve accepted that yoga won’t just completely change my outlook instantly, but it’s definitely a step in the right direction. I aim to practice secondary stillness more and more throughout the upcoming weeks and months to further my inner calm and to strengthen my knowledge of my own inner goodness, and maybe through this process I will feel less like “the Queen/Monster of Bipolarland” and more like my true self, the self that is comprised of everything else in the universe and of nothing at all, and make peace with things more consistently.
Scarlett Rustemeyer
Yoga Journaling: Day 2
September 9, 2015
As I reflect upon my second day of the yoga intensive, I think what stuck out for me the most was describing planes of movement and types of joint movements – because of how ridiculously confusing it is to remember all of that! I definitely think that it’s very beneficial to learn about how to describe these different types of movements and seeing physically on the skeleton and on the demonstrator how the joints flex or extend. The jargon is bogging me down a bit though, to be honest.
In contrast, I’m starting to feel better about leading a friend through Sun Salutation A and Sun Salutation B. This, as well as all of the anatomy stuff, is just a matter of memorization, and once you repeat enough times it becomes second nature, smooth and flowing. I will say though that it’s at times hard to remember which breath goes with which movement because of how some of the breaths have to be extremely long or else turned into another breath cycle. Once again, memorization is key here.
I think I’m a kinesthetic learner, and it makes sense why I enjoy ballet so much, because I much prefer to work things out in person, in the third dimension, rather than reading them in a text and trying to assume I know how to do it. Muscle memory is a very comforting thing, especially when confronted with the intimidating and scary expectations of leading an entire yoga class.
I think that leading our partners through sequencing is one of the most valuable and helpful things we do in class.
Ayurvedic medicine was quite interesting to learn about, especially because I have always taken a certain fascination to learning about natural remedies and preventative health rather than mainstream western healthcare styles.
I’m curious to find out my Dosha. I feel like I am the kind that tends to push too hard sometimes. I’ve been told that by certain teachers before…
Yoga Journaling: Day 3
September 9, 2015
Scarlett Rustemeyer
In reflection of today, my mind keeps thinking back to the very informative movie we watched about anatomy and range in motion, proportion, compression, and tension in different joints in the body. It’s wonderful that we’re learning about this in conjunction with yoga because I have learned a certain amount about bone structure, hypermobility, etc. and how it is different for different people through ballet.
Physical therapy is a huge part of dance because dancers are extremely prone to injury, and so I have spent a lot of time in a physical therapy room being palpated, realigned, and assessed physically. When in ballet class (and yoga too, but it is much more obvious in ballet), it’s really apparent who has hyperextended knees and who doesn’t, who has superior external rotation and who doesn’t, and whose plantar flexion is most extreme (and therefore aesthetically pleasing). The list goes on of bone structures that are “ideal” and “favored” for ballerinas, and sometimes it all feels like a weird body lottery where you get what some divine power chose to spring upon you and you must work your hardest to look a certain way even when range of motion in that area may be strenuous and highly difficult, while someone next to you does the same motion with ridiculous (and seemingly unfair) ease.
But relating this back to yoga, I think it’s immensely important to understand that people’s limits look extremely different from others’ limits, because of bone structure and not because they aren’t trying hard. I’ll definitely keep this in mind as I pursue my yoga teaching, because nothing is worse than a teacher who pushes you to the point of injury and/or actual fear of coming to class. It’s great to learn about these kind of issues that aren’t always obvious before such a teacher training.
Yoga Journaling: Day 4
September 10, 2015
Scarlett Rustemeyer
It's interesting that we've been discussing opposing forces in all realms in our lectures and discussions these past few days. Right now I'm sitting in my car that was submerged in a flash flooding area of water and won't start on Southwest Trafficway, right before it intersects 39th street. I drove through the worst rain and thunder storm I've ever driven in to pick my boyfriend up from work (he got off at 9) and I literally couldn't see while driving on the highway. Not to mention the loud, violent cracks of thunder made everything more intense and disorienting. But somehow I made it to unity Temple safely and picked him up. He took the drivers seat because I was already shaken up from driving and he knows I like it when he drives, too. But as fate would have it this evening we only made it to the gigantic flood puddle on Southwest Trafficway and then when driving through it the good old station wagon stalled out and wouldn't turn back on. Alex got out in the torrential downpour and pushed the car, and soon two other people ran over to help push the car while I steered it towards the right side of the road. Needless to say he is soaked, and we have been sitting in the car since then, waiting for AAA to get here and help us figure out what the heck to do. Either we are getting the car fixed where we are and can magically drive home safely (which is doubtful but still possible) or we will be towed to a mechanic shop and I will have to find a taxi to take to class tomorrow morning and Alex will need one to get to work a 11, too. It's interesting because I was having a busy and yet joyful day today and was really enjoying the yoga things we did today and had a great lunch, and rehearsal went pretty well too this evening. It's easy to get cynical when crappy things happen out of no where like this, but I have to remember that there are so many things that could have gone worse in such a crazy storm. The universe is just gently showing us the very smallest amount of dangerous power it has, which is in relation to all the energy that is constantly flowing through everything, wonderful and horrible, it is all happening for a reason or for no reason at all. But its good to remember that this is such an insignificant happening in my life and it will simply make things trickier for a transient amount of time. I hope that I can make it to class in the morning. It's very late already but I will try my best to be present in our classes tomorrow and to transcend this unfortunate happening. After all, I'm lucky to be safe and to have my boyfriend here by my side. I'm thankful for him and for my wonderful parents who have been conversing with me on the phone and are always there to help even though they live 13 hours away.
Yoga Journaling: Day 5
September 11, 2015
Scarlett Rustemeyer
Today brought many smiles to my face, even though I was in a state of fatigued delirium from nature’s forceful shenanigans last night, which caused me to be up far too late. One thing that really made me happy was that almost all of the dishes at the lunchtime potluck were vegan (all except one!). It warms my heart to know that even though many people in the class aren’t vegan themselves, they made a point to accommodate for and include me in the meal as a vegan. I initially felt really bad because I hadn’t had a chance to make anything to bring to the potluck since the flooding car fiasco took up my whole night (and early morning), but Liz, Kara, and the others made sure to tell me it was no big deal and that there was plenty of food for me to eat, and not to feel bad about not bringing anything. I must say I am thoroughly enjoying this inclusive, friendly environment we are nurturing as yoga teacher training students (and Darryl and Mary as teachers, too!). Never have I felt so much that everyone wants to be here and has a passion for yoga and weren’t forced into being here.
Another thing that made me very happy was our decision to go out to the park to spend our afternoon studies rather than staying indoors. Part of yoga is connecting with nature and becoming one with the vast world around you, so it was spectacular to take our yoga studies outdoors and into a new, fresh environment. Feeling the breeze and soaking in the sun while we examined each other’s alignment in different asanas was a pleasing and calming, yet still informative, experience. I felt this serene exuberance carry me through the rest of my day as Alex and I walked part of the way home, stumbling accidentally across the beautiful spectacle of the Westport Art Festival, which we perused excitedly.
I’m so thankful to be going through this process of yogic transformation with such an awesome and compassionate group of people. I’m also looking forward to our week of teaching mini classes!
Yoga Journaling: Day 6
September 14, 2015
Scarlett Rustemeyer
Time went by pretty quickly today. I think we’re at the point now where it’s the second week and we have a crazy amount of things on our plate (memorization, homework, studying, practicing teaching, etc.), so we just have to push through with all our might and not doubt our own abilities. One thing I am struggling with is feeling overloaded with assignments. I did assignments all weekend but I still wish I would have done even more, because now it’s crunch time and I’m feeling really sleep deprived, which doesn’t help my brain work when I’m trying to eloquently answer homework questions. However, it’s encouraging to think that we’ve made it through an entire week already and that we have all already lead at least a sun salutation to the whole class. I definitely experience a certain amount of nerves thinking about leading the class through a series of postures, but I must remember that everyone messes up sometimes and that the point is to remember the key elements of an effective instructor. First, I must use a smooth active-passive pattern where I instruct breath, movement direction, and pose name. I also must remember to tell the students the benefits of the postures we’re going through.
Another good thing for me to remember is that yoga is an art form. One doesn’t simply stand up one day, exclaim “I’m going to teach yoga!” and instantly teach a perfect class. Over time my skills will develop and will become more and more artistic, allowing room for creativity and flow. I can also call upon my ballet background to help me with any instructor “stage fright” I might experience this week or in future student teaching sessions. I merely need to look at it from a performer’s perspective since that’s what I’m most comfortable with. The hardest part is really the memorization of the sequence, and MOST OF ALL, the TRANSITIONS! Transitions are yet again something I can relate back to dancing. The whole process of moving from asana to asana is really a sacred, flowing dance, and I think that if I see it that way, I will feel more comfortable and less limited. I also need to remember not to overanalyze things and understand that I am capable of doing this. I didn’t wear pointe shoes to my first ballet class, and I won’t be a yoga teaching master the first time I instruct a group. But what’s promising is the infinite potential that this unlocks for the future…
Yoga Journaling: Day 7
September 15, 2015
Scarlett Rustemeyer
Teaching breathing exercises was fun today…my favorites breaths are Kapalabhati and Bhastrika. I like them because they energize me and make me feel fresh and new. I enjoy things that alter my state of perception, and these breaths bring powerful sensations and a “buzzed off of breath” feeling that I love so much.
In relation to the Flow Series practice teaching today (I did seated twists) I need to work on not getting caught up on whether I got the breathing cue right and just continue like nothing happened.
Sun Salutation B went pretty well today.
I feel delirious today and have an intense migraine.
The streets remind me of the nadis, chakras, and lines of energy as I’m cruising home after my day at the intensive. I feel like a miniscule dot in the universe but also realize I am a gargantuan thriving ecosystem for bacteria and microorganisms. Everything is relative until you step outside and become the observer. I love this imagery of stepping outside of the body to understand the bigger picture, seeing me seeing things, witnessing me witnessing things. Visualization is also one of my favorite tools to use in yoga, too, and in ballet.
Understanding that this fatigue is so transient, and to not expect perfection from myself but rather realize that everything is perfect just the way it is, is helping me power through this last stretch of the course. I’ve been feeling pretty dizzy today though, and hope that I’ll feel better in the morning.
Yoga Journaling: Day 8
September 16, 2015
Scarlett Rustemeyer
These days sure have whizzed by. And yet, it feels like it’s been forever since we started. Such mixed sensations are that of an intensive training session. I glanced at this paragraph from the writing prompt and started pondering it:
“As the body and mind connect in yoga postures and meditation, we have a chance to see how the breath and emotions change. Gradually, the mental and emotional channels (like blood vessels in the body) open, revealing the bodies we live in, the emotional habits we have adopted, and our reactions to the challenges of life.”
And upon reflecting on that statement, I definitely have felt a change in my breathing and my emotions throughout this transformative two weeks. Although it has been a lot of bookwork and less “action”, I feel that it has been a wakeup call for me to stress less, breathe more, and find ways to relax and soothe myself even when I have a lot on my plate. For example, our practical exam and written test are tomorrow, but I feel pretty calm about it. Of course before I do my practical I’ll get the typical stomach churns and nervous blush/rash that always precede presentations and scenarios of extreme vulnerability, but to put it in perspective, I have to remember that it’s not a matter of life or death and no one will cause me any harm one way or the other. Knowing this helps me relax and let go of the several paranoias and anxieties that have plagued me my entire life about presentations and public speaking.
Overall I am just going to try and get some rest, however small my window of resting may be, and tomorrow will fall into place perfectly just as it is meant to. Letting go of worries feels wonderful, and I am going to attempt to let go of more in the future.